If you are a parent of a child who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD or a learning disability, you have likely asked yourself, “How should I tell my child?”
The first step in talking to your child about their diagnosis is to speak with the professional who provided the assessment and ask them how they would explain it. As a psychologist, I try to keep explanations of learning disabilities and ADHD age-appropriate and strengths-based, and allow families to ask questions.
“We’ve learned that your brain is built differently and that’s ok. It makes some things easier and others more difficult, and now that we know, we can work with that.”
For all ages, it will be important to help the child understand what their strengths and challenges are and how to ask for help when needed. Having a diagnosis is an explanation for why certain things may be easier or more difficult for your child compared to their peers. It will also be important to strike a balance between providing support and supervision to your child when it is required and giving them a manageable level of independence to improve self-esteem and confidence as they mature.
How Do I Explain A Diagnosis?
An important part of explaining a diagnosis to a child (or to anyone for that matter) is to distinguish between the challenges that arise from the diagnosis and the child’s character. For example, ADHD has been well established as a medical condition that involves differences in brain functioning, particularly in the frontal lobe and cerebellum, and with the neurotransmitter dopamine.
It is important to explain to your child that ADHD does not mean that they are lazy or stupid or that they don’t care about doing well in school (or at home or with their friends), but rather, it is an actual difference in how their brain operates, which makes it hard for them to direct their attention to the right task, at the right time, with the right amount of energy.
Using a Simple Example: Wearing Glasses
We understand this difference between condition and character when we talk about other diagnoses. For example, most of us would not tell a person who is nearsighted to simply try harder to improve their vision. There is an actual difference with how their eyes work compared to someone with 20/20 vision and no amount of trying harder to see better is going to improve that. Instead, we recognize the difference and we provide the person with glasses or contact lenses so that they can see just as well as someone who isn’t nearsighted. Similarly for ADHD and learning disabilities, we can explain to children that we know they are trying their best and now that we also know their diagnosis, we can support them with additional targeted instruction, accommodations, and other supports at home, school, and in the community.
How Do I Actually Word This?
How you explain a diagnosis to your child will depend on many factors, such as their age, social-emotional maturity, and how the diagnosis specifically impacts their daily life. For younger children, it will still be important to explain the diagnosis to them but in terms that they can understand and that don’t overwhelm them. For teenagers, parents may also want to focus on having important discussions about relationships, safety (e.g., driving), and self-advocacy.
Explaining Brains by Dr. Liz Angoff offers scripts and other tools that parents can use. This page is specifically about explaining a diagnosis to a child.
Getting Rid of “Try Harder”
When we separate the child’s character from their ADHD or learning disability then we remove the shame and sense of defeat that often comes as a result from frequently being told to “try harder.” When we describe the diagnosis in a clear and fact-based manner, we separate the child from the condition and allow them to accept it and not to over-identify with it. Your child is much more than their ADHD or learning disability but their diagnosis is also a part of their lived experience that needs to be recognized, accepted, and supported.
About the author: Krista Forand, M.Ed., Registered Psychologist, of Compass Psychology, practices in Calgary and is a member of the Learning Disabilities & ADHD Network’s Supports for Adults Action Team. “Krista’s training and experience have primarily focused on working with youth and adults who, due to challenges with learning, attention, and social skills, have had difficulty achieving their potential. As a psychologist, she provides thoughtful and comprehensive psychoeducational assessments including learning assessments. This helps clients understand how they learn, process information and how they can help themselves achieve their goals.”
